New Pants

They say there's no problem common to the human condition that can't be solved by a well- placed, well-timed, high explosive. Well, I think there is no problem that a man will face that can't be alleviated by a well-pressed, well-fitted, comfortable pair of slacks.

A man can do nothing better for himself than find a pair of slacks that are truly magnificent. Just to be clear, jeans are not what we have in mind. There's a reason they won't let you wear dungarees to the office, and there's a reason the ladies are always kvetching, "I wish we could wear jeans, at least on Fridays." No sir, denim, as useful as it may be, especially when it comes to sailing ships, does not make a fine pair of slacks.

Good things happen when you wear slacks. I spent most of my high school years wearing jeans and cannot think of even one really great thing that happened, save one. I met my wife in high school, but the night I met her, I was wearing slacks! I got married in slacks. Any job I ever really wanted I got while wearing slacks. The best shrimp alfredo I ever ate I enjoyed while wearing a pair of gray, flannel, flat front slacks.

Think about it, the men you admire the most always wear slacks: James Bond, Abraham Lincoln, William Wallace. OK, Wallace may not have worn slacks, but he didn't wear jeans either. They're not 'dress-up pants' or 'church pants,' they're just slacks, but they will change your world.

If you needed any more proof that slacks are essential it's that a good pair is so hard to find. More on that in another entry. Also, though the word slacks denotes a single unit of clothing, you treat it like it's plural, both with an 's' at the end and using the second-person plural. (Sure, the other pieces of clothing you wear below the waist to cover your legs, even half way down, follows that rule, but still.)

Well, if you'll excuse me, I need to go iron some slacks. This is not a domestic chore you can trust with your wife. As skilled as she might be with your shirts, you'd better let mamasan do your slacks, or else do them yourself.