Spouting Off

Lent always seems longer to me when I actually deny myself something I enjoy, like the various delacasies I can shovel into my lip-ringed orifice, for example. This year, however, I did not swear off the much desired carbohydrates that seem to make up the bulk of my diet, rather, I am not watching the television.

I have celebrated previous Lents by going without meat, desserts, and other such nonsense. As difficult as that may be, I can say the the hardest thing I've ever given up is the black-crack, the mocha-meth, the cafe de addiction. I hated those 40 days and 40 nights so much that I promised my brain to never again give up my slow roasted heroin.

So no boob-tube means more time for training, right? Well, you might think so, but keep in mind I am extremely lazy. I can find plenty of other frivolous activities to fill my time.

I should be honest here and say that at the beginning of Lent I gave up TV, except for NCAA basketball. It's not that I'm a huge fan, but I do like watching the tourney and all that. Up until last night, if you added up all the time I spent watching games this year it would probably come up to about 33 minutes or so. Then last night I decide to watch the Kansas game. Big mistake. Those guys always lose when I decide to watch. Well, I did see them beat Memphis for the NCAA championship in 2008. But generally they lose, so this year I won't watch the Jayhawks until they're in the championship game.

So, I have gotten to the pool a few times this year. I still swim like a fish, that someone was eating last Friday. I have made one improvement; I can now breathe out both sides of my head. Formerly I was know as a right-only breather. I'm now bi. I breathe both ways.

I am ashamed to admit, however, that I am a spouter. You know how a whale surfaces and blows all that air and water out of its blow hole. I do exactly the same thing quite often. Except mine goes sideways into the other swimming lane, and not straight up into the air. I'm constantly worried I'm going to spew pool water all over my swimming partners. How embarrassing! Any breathing tips are welcome.

One more thing. This off season I got this:

OK, I've given up. I'll probably switch to WordPress permanently. I can't get my photos to upload anymore, and according to the forums it's a problem for everyone.

If you don't see me here, look here: http://pretendtriathlete.wordpress.com/2012/03/12/spouting-off/

The version of this post with a pic of my bike is at that link.

Gotta go.

The Pretend Triathlete Part Deaux, Being the Second Part

I realized after I hit "Publish" yesterday that my post may have sounded like I was denigrating two people groups: 1) Real Triathletes 2) New Year's Resoluters.

In fact, I am not.

As to number 2, see a post by the Steve in a Speedo guy. I believe I linked to that last year, but like he said in his post this year, it's worth repeating. The article basically talks about how we have the opportunity to help some folks accomplish some goals. That's what we're all on this Earth for anyways, aren't we?

As to number 1, well, I wish I did all of those things I accused triathletes of doing. However, if you're just getting into the sport or don't think of yourself as athletic, don't think you won't be able to enjoy a race just because you're not a super athlete. I've had fun at each and every race, but haven't come close to winning.

There are some very competitive people that race, but most of the community is pretty supportive. I've passed folks and been passed by folks who said "Good job!" as we went by each other. I don't normally say anything because I'm too worn out to speak and run at the same time.

It occurs to me, though, that I'm not a great evangelist for the sport; I haven't convinced even one person to run in a race. Maybe that just proves that triathlon has to choose you, and not the other way around.

OK, enough for now. Thanks for reading.

The Pretend Triathlete

I am not a real triathlete; to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. Oh, sure, I've ran in a few triathlons over the last couple of years, all Olympic distances with a 70.3 thrown in. So I do triathlons but I'm not a triathlete.

Triathletes hire coaches, have expensive bikes, swam in college or high school, and run about 100,000 miles a year. Not me.

My coach is me. My training plan is TBD. I paid $250 for my bike in 1991. I flop like a fish out of water when I try to swim. If I run 20 miles a week I feel like I climbed Mt. Everest.

In fact, not only am I not a triathlete, I'm ready to confess that I'm not even an uno-athlete. When describing my athletic prowess people use words like "awkward", "slow", and "is he serious?"

Nevertheless, I will attempt a few more races this year, and I have no time to waste. I already signed up for the 2012 Branson 70.3 Ironman.

So I need to get to the pool. The last time I swam was September 18, 2011, which, by the way, was the date of the 2011 Branson 70.3 Ironman. I had a rather poor showing that day, so that's a big reason I'm returning to the scene of the crime as if being led by the Ghost of Triathlons Past-I totally have to redeem myself. I thought I'd hit the pool pretty soon after the new year, but I may wait a couple of weeks to the let the New Year's resoluters clear out.

Until then, I'll lift weights and run. did I mention I need to get my bike put back together?

Here are my new running shoes:

Asics Gel33 Blur, or something like that. Maybe I'll write a review later. Until then stick to those resolutions; maybe I'll see you at the pool.

Quoth the Raven

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December

That's what the famous 19th century triathlete E. A. Poe said when his quirky training partner, a black bird, flew in his window wearing those ridiculous yellow bike shorts, and said "Nevermore sitting around here crying over old girlfriends. Let's go running!"

As you remember from lit class, Edgar had a morbid fear of training in December. As do I. Why? It's cold, dark, and feels just like a coffin. That's why I call December my off-season.

During my off-season I lift, weights. Last year I had a hard time squatting. Wait, what was I talking about? Anyways, to help me with my squat I built this:

Yes, that's my finger on the left.

No, not a garage, a weight rack. This bad boy lets me squat to my pants content. It features safety rails for when I get stupid and load up more weight than my raven legs can handle. I can lower the safety rails and bench inside there as well. The other nice thing is I can do chin-ups from the top rail.

There's another angle. The carriage bolts in the front hold my bar for when I'm doing the military press.

OK, enough for now. Perhaps the next time I'll tell you about my effort to sandblast my bike.

Take thy beak from out my heart...

Routine Maintenance-Way of the Samurai

As you know, there are a number of abandoned roads around my town. They get flooded several times a year because of the dam down stream. However, when they are dry you can run, ride, or whatever on them. It's the whatever that concerns me today.

The other day I chose to run one of these old roads. It heads straight south out of down via a park about a half mile from my house. I don't live in a large town. We do have a Wal-Mart and a McDonalds but those are probably only there because we're a natural rest stop for folks heading from KC to Branson. So, when you're two miles out of town on an abandoned road it can feel like you're in the middle of nowhere.

So I'm about two miles down this forgotten road when I spot two fellows up ahead. It's not totally unexpected to see people down this road. However, everyone I'd ever seen on the road before were either fishing, jogging, or riding. These guys didn't appear to be doing any of those things. They were standing on a bridge and the one dude was holding something. What does he have? I couldn't tell.

Finally I got close enough to see. One fellow had his phone out like he was texting. The other guy had two samurai swords! Now keep in mind, there is not another soul or house around. No other witnesses. I'd like to tell you I didn't give it another thought, but as I got closer I couldn't help wonder what he was doing with those swords. And, this is embarrassing, I was prepared to jump out of the way if Hanzo did anything funny.

As I passed them I realized I was dealing with a couple of nerds, and I use that term affectionately. I'd like to think I am a nerd, but I've never been intelligent enough to be considered a nerd, so that makes me more of a dork. But here's the thing: though I'm a big fan of kung fu and movies about samurais, I've never been tempted to go get a samurai sword. Come on! That's ridiculous. I mean, if I'm going to get a sword it would be a Roman gladius or, most likely, a reproduction Narsil, the shards of which Isildur used to cut the One Ring from Sauron's hand. After all, I'm not a big nerd.

My run this day was an out and back, so I'd have to pass Kwai Chang Caine  and his Grasshopper again. When I saw them on the way back, Miyamoto Musashi had both swords strapped to his side and he and his kung fu texter were walking towards me. I looked at them and nodded like I would with anyone I passed on that road, as if to say, "There's nothing weird about carrying two swords out here. Have a great day."

Well, I'm still working out. I run five or six miles every other day, and I lift weights three days on, one day off. I'm a little lax on my diet, but I'm maintaining 150-152 pounds. Speaking of running, I need to get ready to go. Have a great Saturday! If you go running, keep some gas in the tank in case you have to out run a samurai.

The Year in Training

Looking back over my training year, I'm kind of surprised at how lazy I was. I'd known since January or February that I'd be running in the Branson 70.3, yet somehow I didn't put in enough miles, evidently. Live and learn. If I do that race again in 2012, I now have a better understanding of what I have to do to get ready to have a respectable showing.

But the question becomes, how dedicated do I have to be? And, how dedicated do I want to be.

Here is what I did since January 2011:

Ran 343 miles, more or less.
Rode 386 miles, more or less.
Swam 50,388 yards, plus a few more that didn't get recorded.

Throw in some weight training earlier in the year and that's pretty much it.

I guess the biggest weakness I see is the lack of biking miles, and swimming yards, and probably not enough running either.

So what am I going to do? I don't know yet. I'm back to lifting this week but I've gotten a couple of half decent 5Ks in this week as well.

If you've got a good 70.3 or full Ironman training plan, send me the link. My training plan didn't give me the results I needed. As a coach, I'm fired.

Andy Potts - Pro Triathlete

He wears Asics, I wear Asics. We're the same!